Totally Made To Look Like an Idiot

I had the realization last night that my girlfriend has a game she likes to play. Now, I don't know what she calls this game, specifically, but it involves her purposely trying to make me look like an idiot.

Which is probably not that hard to do.

Not just talking about showing friends pictures of me in my Freshman year (I look a lot like Jeff Spicoli in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" - and not in a good way) or telling the people I work with how my tough exterior is just a facade, and that inside I am a gooey "teddy bear" once you get to know me (which is totally B.S., by the way). Basically, anything to remove the (nearly non-existent) belief of anyone that I am "cool."

Using the first time I can remember her doing this as an example, her game is played something like this:

1. I get pretty drunk (I can do this on my own without her help, thanks) while we are out partying at a bar or nightclub.
2. My girlfriend focuses on a casual comment I make about a "hot" girl I notice.
3. First she agrees with me that said girl is "hot," then says something along the lines of, "You should totally hook up with her!"
4. I laugh off her suggestion, but she insists. And insists. And keeps insisting.
1. Now at some point, though I suspect I am being played, I have had enough to drink and having a good enough time that I begin to believe what she is suggesting.
2. THEN my girlfriend starts insisting that I could really manage to hook up with this "hot" girl. "I want you to close the deal," is one of her favorite phrases.
5. My girlfriend then begins to challenge me with phrases like, "You don't think you could score that girl?" and
6. Finally, I begin agreeing with her suggestion that not only should I hook up with the "hot" girl, and that in addition to there being a chance the "hot" girl will hook up with me, I begin to believe said "hot" girl actually WANTS to hook up with me.
7. So then I make the move to try and hook up -- sometimes I take the lead, sometimes my girlfriend makes the introduction for me -- and it fails miserably for the following reasons:
1. I am so plowed I am not coherent; or
2. The girl is absolutely NOT interested in any way (for a variety of reason); or
3. The girl might have been interested, but my girlfriend sitting behind me making faces and rolling her eyes at my comments is enough to put her off; or
4. A combination of any two (2) of the above.
8. And I look like an idiot in front of my girlfriend, this girl and anyone else (often my friends) who happen to be nearby and catch the whole thing.

The first time this happened we were at a goth nightclub in an old church in Charlotte, NC, while we were there doing a month of shows. I was having a great time, and drinking pretty heavily while my girlfriend was off dancing with the rest of the cast. There was a hot goth girl all tarted up in skimpy latex and fishnets I was checking out from our table.
My girl came over to check on me, saw who I was checking out - said she would love to see us hook up and, being three sheets to the wind, I agreed. So she went over to talk to this girl and brought her over to the table to introduce us - then left us to "talk."
I am not sure how long with we were "talking" before my girl came back over to save that poor girl. Apparently, one of our cast members noticed that I was desperately holding on to the table to keep from falling over and, after they all had a great laugh at my expense, my girlfriend agreed it was sorely pathetic and came over to break it up.

So this game has continued on several occasions at different places. Sometimes I will be just talking to someone (who I may find attractive) and she will put the idea in my head (and, of course, I can't get it out of my head once she puts it there) so that the conversation eventually goes awry. Sometimes she points someone out she thinks I should "hook up" with. Though laughing at me, she always seems surprised I can't "close the deal."

Why can't I close the deal? There's a ton of possible reasons:

• It is no secret my girlfriend and I are together. And we are THERE at wherever it is together, too - so it's probably just too creepy for most girls. Especially with my girl making faces and rolling her eyes behind me while I make my "move."
• Maybe I'm just not that attractive in the first place (To my girlfriend's credit, she feels that I am - at least she SAYS she feels that way).
• No, really... I realized I'm getting to that "creepy old guy at the bar" kind of age. Ug!
• Could be because given permission to fool around, it just throws me off my game.
• Could be I don't have much "game" in the first place to throw off!! (Honestly, when I was single I was never really a "hook up" or "one night stand" kind of guy - I tended to play the long game.)
• Maybe we're just not trying this at the right kinds of places. But if it won't work at a bar full of drunk folks - where WILL it work?!

 This is my girl, by the way, who says she would rather give me a was of cash and send me to a strip club for a night out with the boys then let us head out to the local bar. She knows we all have less of a chance hooking up at a strip club then a regular bar (Totally true. The girls at the strip club only want your money, guys).

So there you go...

"Why," you might ask, "if you know this is the game she is playing on you do you continue to do it?"

That's what relationships are about, folks! She enjoys it - it makes her happy - and I love making her happy.

Besides -- someday I may just get lucky! ;-)