Death Is In the Conversation

Currently listening to: Sounds of the Season: Oktoberfest* on Time Warner Cable's Music Choice.

*I suspect many of these songs to be Nazi marches -- or at least music featuring sympatheties to the Nazis.

NOTE: I changed most people's names in this blog 'cause it seemed like the right thing to do.

Today my unexpected phone conversation turned to death.

Not right off the bat! First we discussed life -- what my friend's new baby is doing, what my kids are doing, what her husband is up to and then what Alice is up to. Our plans for upcoming events, their plans to have more children. It was nice.

But, then, as things are wont to do lately - the subject turned to death.

There is a lot of discussion that has been going on about this subject around our house, lately. While the cold, boney finger of the Grim Reaper has not fallen immediately upon us directly, it does seem to have been falling on an awful lot of our friends and associates as of late. And in turn, the horrific things that follow.

Apparently, I was informed in our conversation, and then in a separate conversation with a different individual who also knew my acquaintance, Frank (recently deceased) and his wife Scarlett, that a bit after Frank's passing, the ENTIRE staffs of the three tattoo shops he owned and had left to Scarlett cleared the places out of all the equipment, gear and displays and opened three ENTIRELY DIFFERENT shops named exactly what the old ones were. Seriously: every piercer and tattoo artist who worked for him took not only everything that they personally owned BUT ALSO everything Scarlett owned at the shops, and cleared it out into new storefronts, which they then called by the name of their former shop. They even left messages on the old shops' answering machines telling people to visit the "new locations."

At what point is it okay to steal the source of income from a widow - and her stuff - then cite that it is okay to do so because her husband died? And to bugger off with no notice, set up all this stuff and steal her business without so much as a hey-we're-leaving conversation? I don't care WHAT is going on, that is wrong.

What's more - it seems from all accounts that the staff feels that their actions are what Frank wanted.

But death seems to have that affect on the living. Greed and bad judgement just sort of take over their mental facilities.

A guy I know, Bart, was adopted when he was a baby. While he was still young, his (adopted) mother died and his (adopted) father, Bill, eventually remarried, bringing Bart into her family with him - along with a fat bunch of cash. Years go by, and his (adopted) father passes away - and Bart was kept out of the reading of his will. Just recently, Bart's stepmother passed away. Once again, Bart is kept out of the reading of the will.

Now, originally, the wills stipulated if Bill died first, all his money would go to his new wife. Then when she passed, it was to be divided up among the surviving children. There was also a trust for Bart that had been set up years before meant to go only to him. Sadly, one of Bart's step-siblings passed away a bit before his step-mother did.  So that left three children (including Bart) to inherit what appeared to be a pretty sizable estate.

All nice and good, except according to Bart's lawyer (who Bart eventually had to bring in to sort out what happened), the remaining step-siblings had the will changed just before the step-mother passed so that all the money would be divided between them, cutting him out entirely. AND then when he got his trust, THEIR lawyer determined that they had been raiding his trust for cash! He did not even get the full amount!!!

Might as well forget about any upcoming family reunions.

I had a friend whose ex-wife, with whom he had several children, was diagnosed with cancer. They reconciled a bit and he moved back into their house to help out with her and the kids as her health deteriorated. We tried to be there for them, and as part of our help, tried to remind them that paperwork, wills and details about things needed to be set up so the transition wouldn't be horrible when she passed.

Unexpectedly, she took a turn for the worse and passed recently. And unfortunately the wills, paperwork and details were not worked out sufficiently. What's more, important paperwork (including a "will" she had been working on) were taken out of the house by her extended family and not shared with her ex (my friend). Some of the paperwork included the kids' birth certificates and such, because apparently my friend's ex had specified to her family she wanted them to have the kids move in with them until my friend could meet certain criteria she had set up. They had every intention to take the kids and move out of state.

He did not know about this - and had not seen this will. And they didn't give him a copy.

I met his ex's extended family. They're nice folks. And, in my conversations with them, I do not doubt that they thought they were doing the right thing. They thought they were following what they perceived to be her wishes. But it really wasn't clear what her wishes were --

So when they realize that he's on top of things, her parents offer to rent him the house him and the kids are already in and to help him out. But then her family clears out a bunch of his ex's stuff, including her car, leaving him without one. And then they did not give him a reduced rate AND demanded an additional month's rent. My friend's ex had a life insurance policy, and cash money at the house meant for him to use for the kids. It is all missing.

So now, despite whatever his ex wanted to happen, he is just doing what is the right thing. Maybe the details aren't what she would have wanted - but he is keeping the kids with him and taking care of them no matter what. In the end, that is all that matters. And while doing all this, he is struggling to find bills, what moneys are owed to who, and is constantly surprised by something he did not know before.

This same friend also had an uncle whose wife managed to clear out the house right away when he died. His uncle had left him things in his will - just mementos and such - but there was nothing left in the house by the time the will was read. And there was no way to recover anything. This same uncle's wife was also staying with my friend's dad to "take care of him" while he was sick. Guess what's missing?

Just about everything.

By the time my friend and his brother figured out what was going on, and how sick their dad was, they managed to get her out and take over. And, amazingly, after they took care of giving their dad his meds -- he suddenly took a turn for the better. Seems there was some hanky panky going on with his prescriptions... and, thusly, his bad health. Sneaky, huh?

When my friend Dr. Creep died (yes, that's him), apparently one of his "friends" took pictures of him to try and profit on.

So it just comes down to the fact that the possibility of getting money (or something similar) will make people act absolutely insane. Especially when there is death involved.

It must be some primitive urge. Magnified, somehow. Like in films from the old westerns to post-apocalyptic mayhem: when someone gets killed, other people swoop down upon the corpse to take everything of value left. Like robbing tombs. Pillaging the homes of the dead.

After all, death is death. There is no coming back. Even if one believes in an afterlife, then I hope that it gives the deceased some perspective as to what is important - and that they may look down, but better understand the trials & tribulations of our existence upon this plane. But the dead cannot truly influence what the living must go through.

And, of course, you can't take it with you.

After seeing so much of people's last wishes not being followed. Of the misconceptions and misunderstandings of even the closest of family and friends after someone has passed -- here is my advice to you: DO NOT LEAVE ANYTHING TO CHANCE!

• Spell out everything as clearly as you can. Seriously.
• Get your will through a lawyer - he can let you know what is legal to include and what is not (unlike Legal Zoom or any of that stuff).
• Be specific with your loved ones as to what YOUR wishes are. They will try to project their feelings on to whatever you say. Make sure they really listen to you.
• Have every important paper set aside - and copies set aside somewhere else. All the passwords, websites, etc and so on in a safe but accessible place.
• Really think about who you REALLY trust to do the right thing. Ex.: if your dad has been an asshole your whole life, he will continue to be one after you die. Do you really want him handling things after you're gone?

You may not care about money or anything else left behind when your loved one passes - after all, you care more about them. You're grieving. It's hard to think about.

But shouldn't you care? If it was their wish(es), don't you have a responsibility to do everything YOU can to make sure their wishes are followed. From funeral, to wills, to internment... it is all important, whether you believe it or not. Your loved one has some plans for things that you may not even realize - maybe ideas to help you grieve. Shouldn't you respect that?

Alice and I have made some very specific plans. From the "do not resuscitate" order, to what should happen with the house and such when one of us passes unexpectedly. We are trying to keep bills, legal paperwork, bank accounts and all that kind of stuff in such a way that if one of us should unexpectedly pass, the other can wrap up some of the affairs and continue on.  We have shared these plans with our families. One should be allowed to grieve without struggling to try and figure out even the basics of what needs to be taken care of.

We have even discussed "the back up": a plan of who the surviving one of us should get together with that we feel would be best for the kids. (Of course, I cannot guarantee either of our "back up" is necessarily interested in BEING back up. Something that will have to be figured out should the time come.)

Despite all our planning, though, we have the thought that continues over all: the children must be taken care of - and part of taking care of them is maintaining OURSELVES, too.

It's not comfortable, at times, to discuss these things. It is hard to face. But death comes upon us all -- and once gone, we're gone. It is your responsibility to look out for those left behind. Anything we can do to manage the injustices that can be put upon them by others is of the utmost importance.