Shyte - and F*ck a Duck - It Has Been WAY Too Long

NOTE - the original date on this draft is sometime in 2016. I got shut out of the blog for a bit (who knows why...) - so now I am trying to make up for it.

This is not the answer.

A few days ago I found out that someone I had planned to work with... someone I had put some faith in... has fucked around and done me wrong!

I hate that.

But the real question is, "what do you do about it?"

Unfortunately, if you are me - the first thing that comes to mind is that you should kill yourself.

Bathroom selfies are the answer.

THUSLY - I take my meds, I go to both a psychiatrist AND a therapist regularly. As of this date in 2018 (2 years after starting this draft), I have been through three therapists and two psychologists... I do not know if it is me wearing them out or not - but it sure feels that way.

My shrink asked me the other week if this continuing desire to kill myself is more of a fetish than anything

Now there was something I had not considered before! Is this constant thing that brings about some kind of sexual gratification. Is it a kink more than anything? Eh...

Since that conversation, I have been analyzing when I am overcome by the desire to off myself - and I really find it is when I get overwhelmed by... whatever. So it appears to be more of an anxiety attack than anything else. Sometimes they are more frequent than others - the busier I stay, then less chance I have to be overwhelmed. For example, I was asked to build a couple of props for a rap group to use on stage at a festival they had hired us to perform at. By the time it all shook out - I had two days to build the props before getting them to the venue where the shows were, PLUS get my own cast of people together and get THEM there, too...

It was wacky, super-stressed, and worrisome over that week - but, yet, I did it all... getting it pretty much all done on schedule with everyone getting where they needed to be, shows happening on schedule, getting everything set up and the props delivered in a timely fashion. Overall - a real success!! And not once that I remember, did I feel the desire to end my existence in a response to anything happening. 

Was it because things went smoothly? HELL. NO.

It was complete insanity the entire time. My stress level was so high - but all I could do was knuckle under and work to get things done. There was no time to think or plan (except with my feet moving and keeping things moving forward) - so there was no time to let anxiety get to me.

Sure - I still get anxious at the grocery store, or sitting trying to plan through things. I cannot remain super busy all the time, but...

Maybe I am on to something.

And now I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

My Thoughts For Today (part 3 or something...)

Listening to album Prince on Hoopla

Grrr... Arg...

Once again - it has been over a year since I have written in this blog.

Time is something of my enemy... it slips away like the fall leaves from a tree. One good rain and the tree is bare.

BUT I am striving now to really try and keep it together. To spend time doing what I should be doing, which is a lot of writing and getting things under control.

Been controlling my mood and the like through semi-regular counseling sessions and the smallest amount of mood-enhancer possible. It is all I can take without hallucinating.

The good part is no suicide attempts since the last one!

It talking to my shrink - who is pretty cool - the biggest part is just forcing me to parse out my thoughts. My general speech runs in along a line of thought - then loops off and makes its way back to the point that I am working on. It is distracting for some people, I have been told. But, overall, I find it the easiest way to communicate because each of those "loops" is a story that helps explain the point I am trying to get across.

Yesterday in our session, she made me explain some of my overall thought process to her using some analogies so it would be easier for her to understand. This was especially important in the process of rebuilding my company - which we are in the middle of doing. I am going to post a blog about that process here (https://freakshowdeluxe.wordpress.com), if you want to read it.

My weight is still up - mostly because I still really like drinking. A couple new pills I am taking are helping to alleviate my high blood pressure - so no complaints there, EXCEPT for having to take more pills, which I hate.

I have just so much on my mind... especially with Prince dying so young and unexpectedly. The world is a little darker without his light in it. Wrote a blog about it on one of my OTHER blogs, which you can check out here: http://datingtipsfortossers.blogspot.com/2016/04/what-prince-taught-me-about-dating.html

So, there you go. A LOT of stuff on my mind right now -- and now I need to make sure I get it all out in the world, where it needs to be.

My doctor told me to cut back to 2 beers a day. It's tough - but done.

My Thoughts for Today

Watching Blindness on SyFy

I'm thinking of keeping the beard

I have habits.

One of my habits is, at the end of the FreakShow Deluxe season, to let my beard grow in. Then, once we get the first show of the year, I cut it all off... in a series, usually.

This year, however, I really do not feel like cutting it off. We have a show this weekend, too -- but I just don't feel like it. There are other shows at the end of the month, too, which I guess, technically, I should cut it for (as we are totally doing our "Addams Family" show)... But I don't want to.

I don't feel like bathing, either. Though I am washing my face & junk every day. Putting on clean underwear & socks. I set up a weekly schedule for the family - and that schedule includes showers (with hair washing & shaving & stuff) on Sunday & Thursdays. Any one can take a shower any other day they want, of course, but everyone is required to completely bathe those two days.

I have yet to do it.

Have been having a continuous ringing in my ears. Went to my doctor - apparently, my blood pressure is through the roof... Possibly my cholesterol is really high, too. Anyway - she thinks the ringing in my ears (tinnitus) may be from my elevated blood pressure. It may also be because I am losing my hearing, too. My left ear no longer catches all the sounds, apparently. During my hearing test yesterday, I nearly missed a couple other sounds too (at low volume registers). This should not come as a complete surprise, I guess - there were a lot of years at very high volumes.

But it is still kind of upsetting.

In an effort to look at the causes for my ongoing depression, especially since it has been going on for so very long, I have been talking to my doctor to work on trying to find any physical causes. They are checking my testosterone, T3 & T4, hormone levels... whatever else... that's what lead to the discovery of my high blood pressure and cholesterol levels. They just sent me a new diet that I am supposed to follow to cut out sodium. I guess carne asada may be off the table for a while.

My weight was also the highest it has EVER been during my visits to the doctor. But she said some of that is probably the antidepressant I am on. So I really need to start addressing that with more physical activity.Once the season gets back underway I hope that will happen. Frankly, this winter weather - with some really significant, uncomfortable cold, makes it a lot harder, too. I just hate bathing and shyte. Is too cold.

Additionally, trying to get my life under control, I started tracking my eating habits - looking for anything that might be a problem. I do not get enough Vitamins A, C, E, Potassium, or Calcium. So supplements from now on. Also better eating. I need more exercise (a lot more).

Along those same lines, I am going to start tracking my time -- though I need to figure out a real way to do that... using an app or something I suppose. I wrote out a schedule for the week - the days we need to shop, do laundry, clean which rooms which days... who has to set the table, cook dinner, do dishes - all that kind of stuff on which days. A rehearsal schedule for the kids - with a goal for them to reach daily for practice time.

I don't know if any of it is going to make any difference. I certainly hope so.

By the way, the movie Blindness is a total bummer.

Things are not always what they appear.

Soon It Will All End

watching: The Lone Ranger on Starz

This old pic is from some of the happiest days of my life. Hoka Hey

It has been over a year since my last post to this blog.

Since then I have started another one here if you want to check it out. I have also done a little writing and stuff otherwise. Done some shows. Toured a bit. Did some other stuff.

I reviewed my previous posts... I see that I have not gotten much further on some of the goals I set for myself last year...

Had another Blue Jacket dream last night. Yet another one where I have been called in to do something with the site (like, restart the show?) -- yet it is SO f-cked up with unbelievable stupidity. I have noticed that they have almost been chronological. As we were being bussed to the site (with a group of investors? other people to work on it?) I was pointing out to the others where some buildings used to stand. Buildings that only stood in my dreams of the site I've been having the past two years. This strange series of dreams started with one where I was brought out to try and "fix" the problems, and seeing they had built all kinds of extra buildings on the property in a vain attempt to enhance the experience. It was failing. I was trying to help them...

Next dream I was back; things were not going well, there. Buildings were now empty. Some decay... The next dream had more abandoned buildings (this time, I don't think I was invited there as I had been before... I was sneaking around the site, avoiding people who were there). There may have been another one - but in this dream, many abandoned buildings were torn down, someone had started on a new stage area - rebuilding part of it... Weird.

*****

I can write about this stuff here - because I feel like I need to get it out of my head and... "out there..." as it were. And no one is reading this - so I think I am okay. If you are - things are being handled. Don't worry about it.

Anyway -- in the last year since I wrote in this blog, I have had (maybe two (2) partial suicide attempts. I have to confess, this is not something new for me. I got checked in to a hospital for evaluation. Put under medication. Counseling. Now under treatment with a psychiatrist.

Part of that treatment is trying to really figure out what is going on with me. I wish I had the answers... But, after some reflection, I realize my first suicide attempt that I can remember was when I was 12. This has been going on for a long time. A very long time.

A deep depression grew - or, rather, continued to grow... It is horrible how much of my childhood I can remember with awful clarity, as if the dark cloud just magnified it in my mind instead of obscuring it.

Over the years there has been a lot of attempts. Constant consideration. Deep, deep, deep depression. Loneliness even in crowds and among loved ones.

The constant thought that everything I do is crap. The focus on my failures instead of successes (because all my successes eventually end in failure). My life feels like a constant "after the movie ends" kind of disaster story... The great, triumphant moments are afterward filled with disaster and despair. I do not feel I can take care of the children. I feel I am not suitable for any relationship. Even days when I feel like I can get some things done, one single mis-step will plunge me into a complete inability to be able to do anything. Ug.

I was going to do a timeline of my depression & suicide attempts... but, honestly, it is too depressing. I need to do some other things.

BUT I AM IN TREATMENT! Checking my diet. Taking my pills. Looking into physical issues as well as psychological that may account for all this. So, hopefully, soon all will be fine.

Or else this blog will just end... and you will know why.

Apparently, after a week of not bathing - even with deodorant & whore baths -
I still start to stink very badly. Sorry!

Thoughts On the Entertainment "Business" as Related to Sideshow & Burlesque

Listening to: nothing. Seriously. I hear a heater & the furnace.


I posted what is below to a Facebook group entitled the Sideshow Spectrum, then also to another forum entitled P.O.P. (Pissed Off Performers). This is the total of everything I posted that is worthwhile.

Monkeys riding dogs, from our friends at the Banana Derby

After reading countless complaints, I looked through my notes for the book I am writing, "This Business That We Call Show," and pulled some things out of my notes that is the core idea. The actual book expounds upon these points and MUCH more. Not fun!

This is what happens when you do the work we do...

Post as below:

You want to get serious about it? Good. Create a business plan. Get liability insurance. Put an entertainment lawyer on retainer. Hire an accountant(or at least get the software). Take a business class… or several! Find an apprenticeship. Get in a peer group (this forum does not count).

Then: oh, you’re a dancer? Take dance classes! A singer and/or talker? Take some elocution classes and have a voice teacher. Take some college-level acting classes to know your way around a stage. Get & stay in shape, ready for anything in an instant! Consider theatre classes, playwriting, history — you can’t break the rules until you know them.
SO on & so forth… I hope everyone gets why I am ranting —

I am sick & tired of stoopid (sic) stories from folks who choose to remain clueless about the “business” part of this Entertainment Business. Once you start expecting or demanding payment from people - audiences and promoters - for your services, you are no longer just “an artist” - you are conducting business.

Can’t be bothered with all that? Then just keep your performing as a hobby — there is NOTHING wrong with that. You want to hobo around? Living in the wind & by the skin of your teeth? That’s cool, too. But don’t go comparing yourself or criticizing the folks who ARE doing what it takes to have a business.

I launched this rant because of a couple recent things: including this kid I met at a gig last year reach out to me & ask me to teach him some acts - it turns out he had booked himself on a tour to do sideshow: and didn’t know the acts. ON TOP OF IT: the tour he booked himself on is with a promoter who still owes me money (oh, yes - there is a contract - but I am still trying to collect more than a year later). 

At a recent show - my amazing fire performer in full swing - some kid steps up to the stage, getting in front of me, and when I politely, but firmly, tell her to move, she decides to inform ME that she’s worried about the performer because she doesn’t see a fire safety. I directly informed her she was currently distracting one of the fire safeties (me), and thanks, but we have it covered. a pro show doesn’t draw attention to the safety procedures...

I see some GREAT performers in my travels -- and some of the really great ones are not technically, "pro." There are plenty of reasons NOT to go pro! Being an "amateur" gives a performer a LOT more freedom!

I don’t mind if whatever you are doing in this Entertainment Business isn’t the only job that you have… LOTS of career folks in all kinds of careers work multiple jobs. NOTHING wrong with it, especially in this economy. You’re a hard worker — be proud! Being a “pro” does not mean working full time.

That said, if your other work/job is paying for what you do in this Entertainment Business - that you are not at least “breaking even” with what you put out compared with what you are being paid - then what you are doing is your HOBBY. Nothing wrong with that! Hobbyists do some really amazing things, they can innovate (because they can afford to with both time & $$), and it keeps the pros on their toes…

I am the Human Firework

Currently listening to WARBOUND by Larry Correia (via Audible), while watching NFL on Fox (San Francisco vs. Seattle)

I make friends everywhere I go! (photo by Stoo)

So I made my list of things to do earlier, and am kind of doing some of it... thought I would do an update:

• I messed up my grad school application process -- didn't receive everything in time for me to make the deadline of January 16. SO - I am pushing back my plan to enter the PhD program I want. At least I'll be getting everything together NOW for the deadline next year. Might even be able to apply for a fellowship and such, too. Good times...
• I found this blog full of recipes and such I hope will help me out with time management: http://www.sidetrackedsarah.com.
• Recently, we have had a change-around at the house as Alice took a regular job, so I am busy playing Mr. Mom. I don't mind at all - in fact, I am pretty darn good at it. I spent 30 years taking care of myself, so I am pretty adept at doing a lot of things. 
• Sure, fixing a car is still tough for me (mostly, because I break everything I touch; constantly breaking bolts from over tightening, shredding hoses I try to pull off... you get the idea), but I can cook, clean, dishes, laundry, shopping, and organize -- all that shyte. And not the "frat boy" version, either.
• I got a lot of that from my dad - that's how I was raised when my mum had a day job. My dad still ran his business from the house (just like I do), and since he was home he took care of things around the house - which included my sister & I. So, really, this is pretty normal as far as I am concerned.
• What I do NOT have, unfortunately, is my dad's artistry... or cooking skills. I mean - he really did some amazing stuff. I really have to work really hard to even start at pretending to have his mastery.
• SO, anyway, this website has these "freezer to slow cooker" recipes that I have decided to experiment with. It means doing all the prep work for a week of dinners, then keeping them in the freezer until it's time to actually cook them (pulling them out of the freezer the night before, putting them in the crock pot that morning).
• DOWNSIDE: Alice's job starts in the afternoon. So I get up early, get the kids off to school. Work on my stuff quietly (because Alice is still sleeping) - so emails, writing, that kind of thing - until it is time to get Alice up and off to work. Unfortunately, I have less than an hour before kid #1 gets home... and kid #2 arrives 90 minutes later. When each kid gets home they get a snack, do their homework, then change out of their uniform and get on whatever I can put them on until dinnertime. Then it's dinner, relax & hang out time with them, then off to bed. Once I get them put down I have just less than 2 hours (working quietly, because of the kids) before Alice gets home. Get her dinner and such, spending some time together before bedtime. Is hard to get MY stuff done.
• Once the kids start up with swim team/class again, it's going to scupper my whole schedule.
• ANYWAY, I need to carve out some time in the day to get everything else done. I figure quickening cooking times (without going to all tv dinners or take out) is the way to go.
• I already created a spreadsheet checklist of job responsibilities for the month;
• I have been inventorying stuff at the house --- kids kept saying they needed toothpaste, so I was like, "fine - I will get you toothpaste!" Only to find, of course, THREE UNOPENED TUBES OF TOOTHPASTE hidden away. I came across a couple other examples like this (seriously, who needs 4 opened bottles of baby powder?), so I am trying to figure out what we really need, and what we do not.

So there you are... scheduling. Lots of scheduling.

I Was Attacked by a Drug Buyer & Had to Defend Myself

Currently annoyed

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED:  Two mornings ago, I was in front of the driveway to bring in the garbage can in front of the house, still wearing my dressing gown & fez (as I have said I would do every morning in the new year - see pics above), and I saw a dealer in a white sedan do a hand off to 3 guys in a light blue minivan. As the minvan drove by me I yelled out to it, "Did you just buy drugs?," at which time the driver swerved the van and tried to run me over. I had a hard wood bat with me (as we tend to carry them in the neighborhood because of occasional loose dogs), and swung it at the van as I jumped out of the way - smashing the window behind the driver's door - which broke the bat.

They sped away, then, leaving the street littered with glass, and the broken pieces of my bat... I loved that bat.

I immediately called 911; but my adrenaline was so high I couldn't get the license number or much to help out - click the links in the description above to see images I remembered for the police. When the police arrived, an officer I had never seen before gave me one look (see image above), and pretty much dismissed everything I said from that point forward.

Note to self: remove fez before talking to police.

Still pulling pieces of glass out of my hair the next day. But got the glass cleaned up out of the street. Checked all the perimeter alarms at the house, again. Checked everything is loaded. Now I have to get a new bat. Maybe a composite this time...

I will say this:  the buyer is very lucky I didn't break the bat over his head.


BACKGROUND:  If you didn't know - we have sort of a problem with drug dealers in my neighborhood. This fine neighborhood, once voted the most beautiful street in the city, has been on something of a downward trend (just like the ENTIRE CITY - make no mistake) with more empty houses... but the houses still look good and the residents are on the up & up. Well... except that ONE house (you know the one I mean).

But because of the type of street it is (short, quiet, & open at each end with not many houses on it), and its proximity to certain well-traveled areas -- AND, I suspect, because our house stood empty for 3 years before we bought it -- out of town buyers are often directed to wait on our street for a buyer to come by and do a quick hand off. Sadly, we know that when we see a car with a white person in it, they are probably there to buy. Watch them for a few minutes, and a dealer will come by and make the deal.

We are not talking about simple weed deals, though -- biggest problem in this city is heroin. And it is so cheap that buyers drive for HOURS to get here to score. And, because of the ineffectiveness of the DA's office in prosecuting dealers (there really is NO other reason) and basic issues with how "law enforcement" works (if you want to call it that), there is very little the police can do.

These failures (a regular occurrence) are what led me to try and run for mayor in the last election (though my family made me pull out of the race prior to the filing deadline for the election). There is no passive way to fight this kind of thing.


IN MY OPINION:  NOTE: This goes against a lot of what I have read on the subject.  Drug dealers only understand two things: profit and violence. I believe the only way to get them to leave an area is to impact their profit. Get the buyers to leave; harass them and make it too much trouble for them to deal in your neighborhood or area. Chase off the buyers (I have done it with axe handles, sledgehammer, and one time a chainsaw... once I did it just by looking like Cat Stevens). Chase off the dealers. Threaten them, then follow through with physical violence. Drug dealers, by and large, use violence as intimidation -- use it right back at them. But harder.

The "war on drugs" says that you get the low-level dealers, then have them cut a deal by rolling over on the one above them (then that dealer gets out of jail free), then get that next guy to roll over on the one above him (in turn, going free), and so on up the line to find the supply chain.

Thing is: that doesn't work. The low level dealer is back out on the street that same day, and back to dealing. The quality of life for the neighborhood and citizens continues to stay low. Get someone higher up the food chain and able to make the charges stick? Whoopee, Mr. D.A. Someone new just steps in the position, and the whole network is still in place to make the deals.

Follow the example of Russia (watch this video here) and remove the low level dealers. Cut off the hydra's head and stick a torch in it (by making it REALLY hard to deal - so casual sellers won't want to get in on it - again, attack the bottom line). Make it hard for buyers to find a guy (and make them just plain scared to even try). Keep doing that - and it will seriously limit the amount of dealers on the streets.