Shyte - and F*ck a Duck - It Has Been WAY Too Long

NOTE - the original date on this draft is sometime in 2016. I got shut out of the blog for a bit (who knows why...) - so now I am trying to make up for it.

This is not the answer.

A few days ago I found out that someone I had planned to work with... someone I had put some faith in... has fucked around and done me wrong!

I hate that.

But the real question is, "what do you do about it?"

Unfortunately, if you are me - the first thing that comes to mind is that you should kill yourself.

Bathroom selfies are the answer.

THUSLY - I take my meds, I go to both a psychiatrist AND a therapist regularly. As of this date in 2018 (2 years after starting this draft), I have been through three therapists and two psychologists... I do not know if it is me wearing them out or not - but it sure feels that way.

My shrink asked me the other week if this continuing desire to kill myself is more of a fetish than anything

Now there was something I had not considered before! Is this constant thing that brings about some kind of sexual gratification. Is it a kink more than anything? Eh...

Since that conversation, I have been analyzing when I am overcome by the desire to off myself - and I really find it is when I get overwhelmed by... whatever. So it appears to be more of an anxiety attack than anything else. Sometimes they are more frequent than others - the busier I stay, then less chance I have to be overwhelmed. For example, I was asked to build a couple of props for a rap group to use on stage at a festival they had hired us to perform at. By the time it all shook out - I had two days to build the props before getting them to the venue where the shows were, PLUS get my own cast of people together and get THEM there, too...

It was wacky, super-stressed, and worrisome over that week - but, yet, I did it all... getting it pretty much all done on schedule with everyone getting where they needed to be, shows happening on schedule, getting everything set up and the props delivered in a timely fashion. Overall - a real success!! And not once that I remember, did I feel the desire to end my existence in a response to anything happening. 

Was it because things went smoothly? HELL. NO.

It was complete insanity the entire time. My stress level was so high - but all I could do was knuckle under and work to get things done. There was no time to think or plan (except with my feet moving and keeping things moving forward) - so there was no time to let anxiety get to me.

Sure - I still get anxious at the grocery store, or sitting trying to plan through things. I cannot remain super busy all the time, but...

Maybe I am on to something.

And now I'm feeling pretty good about myself.