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| This old pic is from some of the happiest days of my life. Hoka Hey |
It has been over a year since my last post to this blog.
Since then I have started another one here if you want to check it out. I have also done a little writing and stuff otherwise. Done some shows. Toured a bit. Did some other stuff.
I reviewed my previous posts... I see that I have not gotten much further on some of the goals I set for myself last year...
Had another Blue Jacket dream last night. Yet another one where I have been called in to do something with the site (like, restart the show?) -- yet it is SO f-cked up with unbelievable stupidity. I have noticed that they have almost been chronological. As we were being bussed to the site (with a group of investors? other people to work on it?) I was pointing out to the others where some buildings used to stand. Buildings that only stood in my dreams of the site I've been having the past two years. This strange series of dreams started with one where I was brought out to try and "fix" the problems, and seeing they had built all kinds of extra buildings on the property in a vain attempt to enhance the experience. It was failing. I was trying to help them...
Next dream I was back; things were not going well, there. Buildings were now empty. Some decay... The next dream had more abandoned buildings (this time, I don't think I was invited there as I had been before... I was sneaking around the site, avoiding people who were there). There may have been another one - but in this dream, many abandoned buildings were torn down, someone had started on a new stage area - rebuilding part of it... Weird.
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I can write about this stuff here - because I feel like I need to get it out of my head and... "out there..." as it were. And no one is reading this - so I think I am okay. If you are - things are being handled. Don't worry about it.
Anyway -- in the last year since I wrote in this blog, I have had (maybe two (2) partial suicide attempts. I have to confess, this is not something new for me. I got checked in to a hospital for evaluation. Put under medication. Counseling. Now under treatment with a psychiatrist.
Part of that treatment is trying to really figure out what is going on with me. I wish I had the answers... But, after some reflection, I realize my first suicide attempt that I can remember was when I was 12. This has been going on for a long time. A very long time.
A deep depression grew - or, rather, continued to grow... It is horrible how much of my childhood I can remember with awful clarity, as if the dark cloud just magnified it in my mind instead of obscuring it.
Over the years there has been a lot of attempts. Constant consideration. Deep, deep, deep depression. Loneliness even in crowds and among loved ones.
The constant thought that everything I do is crap. The focus on my failures instead of successes (because all my successes eventually end in failure). My life feels like a constant "after the movie ends" kind of disaster story... The great, triumphant moments are afterward filled with disaster and despair. I do not feel I can take care of the children. I feel I am not suitable for any relationship. Even days when I feel like I can get some things done, one single mis-step will plunge me into a complete inability to be able to do anything. Ug.
I was going to do a timeline of my depression & suicide attempts... but, honestly, it is too depressing. I need to do some other things.
BUT I AM IN TREATMENT! Checking my diet. Taking my pills. Looking into physical issues as well as psychological that may account for all this. So, hopefully, soon all will be fine.
Or else this blog will just end... and you will know why.
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| Apparently, after a week of not bathing - even with deodorant & whore baths - I still start to stink very badly. Sorry! |
